Brit! I miss you. I miss our late night walks and our talks about life. You're the only one I could count on. I could talk to you about anything and you'd give me the best advice. I don't have that anymore. From anyone. I miss you so much. I miss the days when we'd go on walks for five hours and just talk the whole time. You have no idea how much I could use that right now! I'm really truly proud of you. You've taken the past year in stride and you seem to be doing wonderfully :) I'm glad you're making new friends and that you love where you live now. You're the best friend I've ever had. I miss our talks and I miss you. I don't know if I'll ever get that back with anyone. Thanks for being the best, most trustworthy friend.

LOVE. This is about LOVE. Everyone wants it, has it or hates it. Either way, it's present in your life somehow. As for me, there's nothing I would like more. I want someone to feel like they're dependent on me to keep going, as bad as that sounds. Because that's what I want to feel. I guess I just don't understand how close minded and hateful some people can be. I just want someone who I can always depend on. Who I'm not afraid to be myself around, and who I can show my whole life to and they'll still love me. I'd love to feel like nothing matters. Dear best friend, You're starting to piss me the fuck off. I don't get why you insist on keeping me in the blue. Have a boyfriend? Great! I'd love to hear about him! Have plans with said 'secret' boyfriend? Great! Tell me instead of beating around the damn bush. Just be straightforward and we'd have no problems. Oh and apparently your 'secret' boyfriend is a 'fucktard'. Have fun with that. I'm scared of life after high school. I wish I new what I'm going to be later on in life, but I guess that's half of the fun. Not knowing. There's just not much that I feel I'm good at. Nothing that I've been consistent with in my life. That's what sucks, I hate feeling like that. And I hate feeling stupid because I'm not as good at certain things like everyone else is. You can find the standard deviation of the weight of a tiger while sitting in a pool of water with only your brain? Sweet. I can't. Fuck this feeling. So recently (and by recently I mean within that last couple of months) I started at a new job at a local movie theater. And may I just say that I love everyone that works there? I know you guys will never read this, but I feel that it has to be said. I don't know how they hire the most awesome people, but there isn't one that I don't appreciate in some way. Maybe it's just because they're all older that I enjoy their company so much, but either way, I thank heavens for them each and every day. They all have such great senses of humor. I love it. Being around them, even for a little while makes me as chipper as a chipmunk. I couldn't ask for a better crowd of people. I hope I'm not doing horribly at this job though. Sometimes I feel as if I mess up so much. I hope it's just my head getting to me. I hope I'm doing a good job. I really want to keep this job. I love working here, I love the people. I just love it in general. It's so refreshing to meet new people like this. Being caught up in the same old thing with the same people all of the time gets ridiculously redundant. I love all of the people that I meet there too. There's such a variety. All of them have a different story, different personality. I love variation! This is getting to sound really cheesy, but what can I say.

A Great Perhaps. Something more has got to be here. Something other than going to school everyday, learning things I don't care about knowing. Don't get me wrong, I love being educated. I love learning. But not in this environment. They're all the same. Everyone wants to be popular, gorgeous. Of course I'm saying this now, but tomorrow I'll talk to my friends and realize how wrong I am. We aren't all the same. There are some people out there that just give me outrageous amounts of hope for humanity with small things they do. Just saying hello, tipping a waiter, being nice in general. There are some people that come upon that naturally and some that have to work for it. And then there are those who have lost it. Well anyway, I guess I should get off. School in the morning, preparing for another day of the same routine.

What is the purpose of life?  Is it to worship something greater than you?  To work day in and day out just to do the same thing the next day?  Or is it just meant to be enjoyed?  I only ask because I myself have no idea, like the rest of us.  What is the purpose of our being here on earth?  Why do we go to work just to make money so we can live?  Why is working all day everyday so essential to our being able to live?  Why can't we just live for the joy of it, explore the world and never have to worry a day in our lives?  That's what worries me.  That I'll live such a long life and never actually live a moment of it.  I don't want to waste away everything.  What if there really is nothing after this life?  What if this is our only shot?  Shouldn't we make it our best?  Many times I wish I could just leave everything.  Literally walk away from everything I've got and start over. 

If you're reading this, maybe you've heard of Chris Mccandless.  The movie and book Into the Wild was based on his journey.  Chris left everything behind, donated his money to charity and left his car just to find something more in life.  I wish I could be brave enough to do that, and sometimes I feel like I am.  But with leaving this behind, am I missing out on something greater? 

And isn't this the truth?  Where would we be without new experiences?  We would never learn, never grow and never change.  This is why we strive for new experiences and adventures.  For me at least, the feeling of accomplishing something totally new is a breath taking experience.  I want to have the strength that Chris had to walk away and leave everything behind in search of something more.  To get in touch with something other than the redundant, everyday lives we live right now.  So many people live unhappily but never take the opportunity to change that, and I think that's incredibly sad.  I want to be happy. 

I truly do believe that there's a point in life where, if you look hard enough, you can find that perfect euphoria.  A point in life where you feel nothing but happiness.  Friends..potential lovers..family..everything seems perfectly aligned and you never knew you could ever be this happy.  I sometimes feel like I've reached that moment, just to crash back down a few days later.  My new years resolution and goal in life is to reach that point again, but permanently.  I want to be surrounded with people that I know only influence me for the better.  No more doing things just because I want someone to think of me more highly.  Fuck that, life is too short to not be your best.  Who cares how much money you have or what you're doing with your own life?  It's your life to live, and it's up to you to make it how you want it to be. 

Everyone lives, thinks and acts differently and that's something we all need to accept.  Knocking people down because they think differently will not lead you to any kind of achievement in the future.  We all just need to live and let live.  Live how you want to and let everyone else do the same.  For me, this is just how I feel.  I want to live to be the best I can be and this is how I plan on doing so. For some of you, it will be different.  Everyone wants something different out of life.  I just want to be happy.

I make mistakes just like the next person.  I have many people I need to apologize to, but I can't seem to say sorry to their faces.  My first apology: I'm so incredibly sorry that I wrecked everything we had.  Our friendship could have evolved into something so much more powerful had it not been for me.  I quite speaking to you, I know.  I don't know why I do that.  Maybe I'm scared of commitment?  Maybe I'm scared that if you found out the truth you wouldn't stick around.  Either way, I owe you an apology.  For the passed year we've fought on and off.  It seems like one of us is always mad at the other.  I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, but I really had no way around it.  I regret not telling you this, but sometimes it's easier said than done.  It's not as hard to live a lie than to explain the whole truth about everything.  Maybe if you knew that my father was older, partially paralyzed and hearing impaired, then you wouldn't want to stick around.  I've made it a point in my life to never ever be prejudice against someone like that after living through this.  I'm so scared that everyone will leave when they find out about him.  I really do miss how we used to talk, but I wish you hadn't changed.  Maybe it's the drugs and alcohol that tore us apart.  I may have loved you, but I'll never know now. Seeing you around is still torture for me.  I wish I knew how you felt. I wish you could read this:

You're a thought I can't bare.
One last breath I can't stand to take.
The air is piercing through chattering teeth.
A war not fought on solid ground.
So much said without a sound.
What happened to the white flag?
It's been dyed red.
The poem of my heart, still left unread.
Where do we belong?
Not here, I must believe.
How can everything tumble down?
I'm falling to my knees.
Winter's getting colder, ice crystals in our hair.
Just another memory of the thought I can't bare.

Apology number two.  I didn't expect this from you.  You were my best friend and you betrayed me.  You can't deny the fact that this is your fault.  You told people about my life and you deserve what's coming to you.  Not speaking to you has been so nice, to be honest.  I miss how we used to laugh over nothing, but I can do better without you.  It just angers me that you won't even take the heat for something you KNOW you did.  Is it that hard to accept?  I guess so.  I'm sorry things got so out of hand though.  Sometimes I feel like it wasn't just you that tore us apart, but things my friends said as well.  Was I even right to believe what they said?  I can only hope that I did the right thing.  When I see you with your new friends I get upset.  I miss you.  I know you're fake but I could use a few more friends lately.  I feel like I put so much into our friendship and it was never reciprocated.  I guess everyone was right about you.  I just don't know whether to give you another chance or not.  I wish you could read this:

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
It's not about that, I just needed closure.
All I needed was trust, is that too much to ask?
The best I can do is put it in the past.
I closed the door and locked it tight.
You wouldn't even put up a fight.
But every hello comes to an end.
Denial, hypocrisy, jealous-the works.
I still need you no matter how it hurts.
Your venom flowing, like you couldn't believe.
Too weak to get up and leave.
I needed you there and nothing more.
The critics were right, you're just a whore.

I don't know why I feel like I do sometimes, and I think that's the worst part.  I don't understand how I can be feeling so many things.  One day you're my best friend and the next, I feel like you don't even want me around.  I don't think you'll ever understand just how much you actually impact my life and the way I am.  You've made me a better person.  It may be too cliché to say that I miss the old you, but what more can I say?  I wish I knew whether you miss me too, or if you think anything has even changed.  You've helped me through so much in the past and I miss that so much.  I feel like this year you're a completely different person.  I don't think I even know you anymore.  Maybe it's just that you're making so many new friends that I'm just afraid that you're being taken away from me, even though I believe that to be 100% true.  When was the last time we hung out?  Do you even remember how we'd hangout every weekend just to talk last year?  I wish you'd just tell me what you're thinking.  I wish you'd trust me enough to tell me that you and Alex have been hanging out more.  What have I done that's made you lose so much trust in me?  What hurts the most is that everything I know about you recently, I've heard from a mutual friend.  You won't open up to me anymore and I don't know what I've done to cause that.  Maybe it's because of what I did last year.  For that I'm truly sorry, but you have to know that you're the only reason I changed for the better in the first place.  Without you, I would've been sucked in just like everyone else.  You helped me out of the labyrinth I was trapped in last year and I wish I could do the same for you.  I really could use someone to talk to.  I miss how I used to be able to tell you anything.  I feel as if now, if I tell you something you won't agree.  I don't want you to turn into them.  You were such a beautiful individual and now you're just like everyone.  The thing that hurts me most is that you don't even seem to understand me anymore.  That's what I always counted on from you.  I wrote this about you months ago:

I can't read you, you're so obscure.
An illness I can't cure.
I need you with me, by my side.
How can we live with all the lies.
Hot and cold, black and white.
I need you to know, can't stand to fight.
Did I go wrong, are you okay?
You're the only one that's ever stayed.
Can't let you go, not one more time.
This has to stop, I need a sign.

Dear internet world:
I do realize that no one will be reading this.  The main purpose is for my own sanity.  Like every other 17 year old, I tend to spend the majority of my time thinking.  Along with thinking comes the feelings of doubt, rejection and hurt.  My intentions in writing on here are to keep my mind stable.  I find that I don't want to forget anything that's ever happened in my life so I keep holding onto everything, the good and the bad.  The only way I think I'll be able to get rid of the bad is by putting it in writing so I know I'll always have it when I want to go back to it. 
The worst of this feeling generally happens late at night, because what better time is there to think?  Although my thoughts often send me spiraling down into a depression-like state for awhile.
For the most part, I will probably be using this to complain and vent, seeing as I don't have any close friends that I trust enough to vent to.  Just a fair warning, this will be one of my longer posts.
My blog, strategically named "Today's Thought" was originally meant to be comprised of several one or two sentence entries stating my thought about the day, but as you can see, this has quickly turned into me releasing all of my anger, rejection, fear, love, hate, etc. onto the internet.  If that's not the definition of pathetic, I'm not sure what is.
So for now, I sit here listening to Dashboard Confessional and blogging about my life.
New thought: I will be turning what was going to be a short post into several smaller ones in hopes of getting rid of any confusion.

Today's a twofer..
A) I realize it's Christmas time and everyone's stressed out..but could we try to be a little less of an asshole? I'm working at a minimum wage job. I'm willing to bet my day has been worse than yours.
B) It upsets me when i see my dad in pain..or maybe it's that I don't care enough about him to help that's really making me sad. I'm not trying to be a bad person.

It seems like every time I become close friends with someone, they lose another friend in the process.